Verbal De-Escacation – An HR Survival Skill for 2023

“Here he comes, and boy, does he look mad!”

“I get intimidated every time I have to talk to her.”

“I don’t know how to get him to calm down.”

Have you ever felt like that? Ever been in an argument that escalated out of control? Ever wish you had the skills to calm people down when things get heated?

It’s a skill we all need.

When emotions run high, and people get angry, they sometimes do things they’d never usually do. They will shout and scream and say things they don’t mean.

And sometimes, they will become violent.

In fact, for many people, violence has become a viable “solution” to their problems. According to a recent study by Zippia, the workforce is taking the brunt of this issue:

Over 20,000 people were injured in assaults at work.

Three-hundred-ninety-two people were murdered.

A staggering 94% of people have been bullied or intimidated at work.

68% of people don’t feel safe on their job.

Good de-escalation skills are a must, whether it is a subordinate who gets angry during a performance review, an argument over a parking space, or a fight with your spouse.

To learn how to address this situation, we first want to cover the biggest mistake most people make during a conflict.

They get emotionally involved.

We have all gotten angry and said something we didn’t mean or done something we shouldn’t have done. In the context of an argument with an otherwise loving spouse, that can result in decades of reminders about the cruel and thoughtless thing that came out of your mouth. In a work context, it might damage your career. During a road rage incident, the cost could be your life.

The concept of Emotional Intelligence was popularized by psychologist Dr. Daniel Goleman in his book of the same name, first published in 1995. He recognized that the most successful people weren’t necessarily the ones with the highest IQ. They were the ones who had mastered four things:

The ability to recognize and verbalize how they feel at a given time.

The ability to control their emotions.

The ability to recognize how their emotions and actions impact those around them.

The ability to use emotion to manage relationships.

He called those abilities EQ (Emotional Quotient) and developed a way to measure them.

One of the key learnings about all this is that developing a large vocabulary around your feelings makes them much easier to understand and control. For instance, how are you feeling right now? How many words do you have to describe that feeling? Maybe you’re a bit upset because of some struggles with your boss or coworkers. Which term best describes that feeling? Are you: mad or miffed, perturbed, or angry or just annoyed, enraged yet exasperated, irate, or maybe indignant?

Goleman’s research tells us that people with only a few words to describe a feeling tend to have a much lower EQ than those with several different terms. These folks understand the importance of nuance and don’t rely on “I’m so mad!!” to describe everything from the murder of an innocent child to a steak that came out at the wrong temperature.

The bottom line: It doesn’t matter what they say. Don’t let it get to you.

Utilize these four tips when approaching these situations:

Tip 1: Maintain a calm and steady voice.

When someone gets angry at you and raises their voice, the most common response is to raise your voice. Then they raise theirs, and you raise yours, and well…you see where this is going. Think of the disagreement as a flame. Increasing your volume is like throwing fuel on the fire. It causes the flame to grow, sometimes until it becomes unmanageable, and someone (or everyone) gets burned.

To continue the metaphor, when someone comes in hot, they expect you to shout back. Instead, reply calmly, and you will throw dirt on the fire. No matter how loud they get, you should always return calm words. Your antagonist will find it impossible to maintain a high energy level with only one person feeding the flame.

Tip 2: Ask questions instead of making statements.

You’re familiar with executive coaches, right? Do you know what coaches spend hours learning to do when they go through coaching certification? They learn to ask powerful questions that make people think and create insights that lead to positive change.

You don’t need to be a coach to use this skill. During a conflict, work to formulate questions as opposed to the default statement. Forming a question forces us to leave the emotion centers of our brains and go to the logic centers, lowering our emotional content. In addition, the person with whom we contend must go to their logic centers to formulate a response. In short, questions tend to make us think instead of act.

Tip 3: Instead of telling them to “Calm Down,” ask them to breathe.

It is unlikely that anyone in human history has ever uttered the words “Calm down!” only to watch an angry person suddenly become tranquil and repentant. It just doesn’t work. When you insist on someone calming down, you often make matters much worse, especially if the person feels justified in their anger. When someone is superheated, you may as well tell them to fly. You’ll probably have the same level of success.

Instead, ask them to breathe.

When someone gets angry, their heart rate rises as their body prepares to fight or flee. The result is diminished cognitive processing, resulting in poor decision-making. The enraged person doesn’t know how to reverse it. But you do.

Encourage them to breathe. How?

“Okay, okay. I hear you. Breathe with me,” you say as you take a quick, deep breath through your nose. Then you exhale and repeat it. Of course, this helps you as well, lowering your heart rate.  

Tip 4: Hand your antagonist a bottle of water.  

When someone hands you a bottle of water, you tend to unscrew the cap and take a drink. At that moment, you are breathing through your nose, lowering your heart rate.

Follow these suggestions and become the kind of person that handles conflict with poise and professionalism. That reputation will help your career and increase your value in any endeavor.

SafeHaven Security Group offers short seminars and webinars on this topic and a De-Escalation Master Class for organizations across the country. Call to schedule yours today.